One of my biggest kept secrets...

I'm a softie. I am. I can't help it. Well, I try. My heart is so big and I feel so much that I have to shut down my emotions so I can deal with life. Otherwise I would be a big emotional mess. Tonight I just learned that many of my friends are being laid off or shuffled in their jobs. My heart is going out to them and I wish I could do something to help them.

If I was on the Titanic, I would make sure everyone else was on a life boat before I got on. That's who I am. I would organize the whole damned thing and probably order everyone about while doing it. But in my world, everyone would be saved.

So to anyone that is reading this, I care. I may not always show it. In fact, most of the time I probably don't. But my life is shifting and changing and making me more open to connecting and re-connecting. And it's nice. I hadn't realized I had become a hermit.

For those of you that get it, Wheel of Fortune, here I come. Big Money, Big Money, no whammies! :) I've had enough of those already. Time for something new. Anyone down for a ride on the Wheel?

To be or not to be...a tortoise.

Thinking about my life and my energy, it strikes me as fascinating, the way physical stamina mirrors mental stamina. When running, I am great at sprinting a short distance. Long distances, screw that. I go slow and steady and yearn to give up the entire way. No way can I aim for speed goals or I'll never finish. But boy do I hate life while I'm doing it. At the end, I feel a sense of accomplishment but am mostly glad that I can do something else.

When it comes to projects of a mental nature, I've realized I'm the same. Short term goals are easy. I power through and make it happen by the sheer force of my will. Perhaps that's why I work so well under a deadline. If the deadline is far out, I usually procrastinate until the deadline is closer and creates a sense of urgency. A need for a huge amount of energy and the ability to move mountains. That's the energy I find thrilling.

I admire people who seem to plod along, moving forward toward their goal. In my heart of hearts, I would rather magically leap over all the slow and steady and zoom to the end like a rocket. But life doesn't work like that. I mean, I guess for some it might, but a lot of things that are valuable and lasting are built from the slow and steady.

Quite unexpectedly, I think of The Tortoise and The Hare. My natural tendency is to be the hare. To dance around the slow pokes and show off how amazing I am and how fast I can go. But in the past, I have always dipped out or taken a vacation or just lost interest and, lo and behold, those turtles with conviction keep moving, right past me, right to the finish line.

I suppose I need to embody more of the tortoise. Boy does that feel stifling. Constricting. But if I want lasting success, maybe I need a balance of the two. Maybe I need to dredge up my inner tortoise and use my inner hare to give the tortoise more flare. How can I get them to work together? I wonder. I dunno. Food for thought.

The Weight of the World is Sitting on My Shoulders

Have you ever felt like that? You know you need to get something done but for some reason it seems like the biggest thing in the world? It could be cleaning your house or going to the grocery store, but for some reason it seems like it the most difficult thing to actually accomplish.

I mean, my world does revolve around me so if I don't do something it doesn't happen. But why is it such a big deal? Inertia? Maybe... Sigh. I guess it's like working out. You just gotta power through.

How Amazing Would it Be to Have a TARDIS?

Really, really amazing. Imagine. One day you wake up and you hear the telltale noise of the TARDIS arriving. You poke your head out the door and there is the effervescent Doctor waiting to take you on an adventure. Who would say no? Definitely not me.

Now, I have a life here. I have a boyfriend that I love. I'm pursuing a career. But to be able to cut out and travel through time with a childlike host? Oh Hell the Fuck yeah!

I mean, I'd pause. But really, I'd just be delaying the inevitable. Because I would go. My boyfriend and I have even talked about it (as if it would ever happen in real life). As long as I would return no more than a few minutes after I left he wouldn't leave me.

But imagine. One day, same old. Next day, Egypt chilling with Cleopatra. Of course there would be Daleks and Cybermen to defeat, but who wouldn't want to save the day and meet Shakespeare?

Eventually I suppose it would get old... Or at least I would. Too bad the time machine couldn't stop time. But then that would be freaky. I certainly don't want to live forever. But looking young forever? I might be able to handle that ;)

Job Searching is like Fishing in a Belly Dance Outfit

Job searching has got to be one of the most depressing things on the Earth. You get your resume all decked out and shiny and spiff up your cover letter so it's just interesting enough without actually showing any personality (as if personality is a bad thing) and then you comb the postings, hoping for something good.

I think job hunting is like fishing. Definitely boring. Definitely a lot of waiting. And sitting. And casting out those lines again and again only to be sitting there alone with nothing to show for it. Am I over qualified? Under qualified? Is my cover letter too dry? Does my resume suck? If only I didn't take all that time to find myself!

Blech. It makes me wanna hurl. Then I get to sit in front of the computer like a Craigslist Troll, updating every 10-20 minutes. Cuz you know those postings (well the good ones anyways) get like 100 responses in the first hour or two. So you gotta be in the first 20 or 30 or your resume will never even get seen.

And of course the one interview I get right away??? Probably only because I sent a picture of myself in a belly dance outfit. Yep. Guess that's the way to get a job these days. Show some skin ladies! And really, I don't even know if I want the job.

I guess that's how fishing works. You put in all the work and finally get a bite... and its a sun shark that you have to toss back. True story. I saw that on the beach in Ventura. Little did I know how much it was going to mirror my life...